What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 01:26
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
In the last 500 years, have there been civilizations whose cruelty matched that of Nazi Germany?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Comes on , in middle age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He knew the spot.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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She married twice! .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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I waited trembling.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I said to her
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot live in the past .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im still living with it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When she asked me how she looked .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was seconnd youngest,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were not on the streets..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was very sick at this time too.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .